Success Analysis

For the success analysis, my grandparents from Bellevue, WA agreed to participate.  I look up to them as a wise couple and thought it would be interesting to gain their insights.  The following is more of a paraphrase of their responses rather than a transcript.

How many years have you been married?
-60 and 3/4 years.

How did you deal with differences of opinion in your marriage?
Pop:  We would argue about it and didn't keep anything back.  We had plenty of disagreements but it never came between us.
Grandy:  We usually forgot about it after a while.  It wasn't that important.

What kind of issues came up continually in the marriage?  A repetitive issue?
Grandy:  Money.
Pop:  In the early years when we were living on a shoestring, we had two kids to raise at that time.  We had "discussions," I'll call them, about what was important to spend money on.  So we differed in that opinion many times.  But, there wasn't that much money to be arguing about.  (Both laugh)
Me: Who wanted to spend the money?
Grandy:  (Shrugs).  I don't know...
Pop: (Chuckles and then both laugh).  Well, you ran the household.
Grandy:  Well I had to spend money on food.
Pop:  You were not a spend thrift, but sometimes I had to emphasize how low the bank account was before the next paycheck in those early days.
Grandy:  I could look and see on the bank statement and know what to do.
Pop:  I don't think we ever disagreed to much on raising the children.  You did most of that and did a great job.
Grandy:  Occasionally you had lots to say to them more so than I did about discipline.
Pop:  Yeah.

How did you deal with the persistent issue of money?
Pop:  Well, I grew in my job where we didn't have to worry about it so much.  (Grins).
Grandy:  But up until then we just did without and we didn't think much about it.  The kids didn't feel neglected and nobody went hungry.
Me:  So you did what you could to get by and then the problem took care of itself.
Grandy:  Yeah, that's it.
Pop:  Yeah good summary.

What are the strengths of your marriage, what do you see as strengths?
Grandy:  Well just being together all these years.  Sometimes it takes strength to do that.  (Laughs).
Pop:  A strength in our marriage is that we both came from very similar backgrounds of life in the rural community on the farm.  With the same background, values, and church there was never any issues over religion at all.  Having that frugal and hard-working background sustained us through our marriage.
Grandy:  We were brought up in the same kind of atmosphere as far as money went.  Mom and Dad struggled, struggled, and struggled sometimes just to get by.  My father would just poor over the books and think, "How are we gonna get through the next--" and if the crop didn't work out well we were in a worse mess.
Pop:  And instead of buying clothes for you and your sister, you made them.
Grandy:  My mother made everything!  Everything.
Pop:  I grew up in a family of two boys so my mom didn't sew things as much because boys wore blue jeans and that was about it.
Me:  So as far as the strengths in your marriage you see the religious aspect as a strength and not something you had conflict about.  And you came from a similar philosophy of life, work-ethic, and economic background.  Is there anything else you perceive as strengths?
Pop:  I think we both agreed early that Pat would be a homemaker and not work out of the house.  I soon progressed in my job to where we could live very comfortably.  She stayed home and raised the children and for that I think was a great benefit.  It was never an issue.
Grandy:  It was never an issue, but deep down I wished I could have gone to college and had a career of some sort, but it never bothered me that much.
Me:  So you guys agreed on gender roles and that type of thing.
Grandparents:  O yeah, absolutely.

What types of activities do you engage in in your free time together?  Now that you are both retired you have a lot of free time together!  So i guess look at it as before you were retired, what types of things did you do together and once you were both retired how did you spend your time together?
Pop:  Well when we were working, we always took time to take vacations.
Grandy:  Go home!
Pop:  Go home and see our parents.  And since both sets of parents lived in the same community that made it easier.  Since I was placed around to several different places (pop was in the air-force) we took vacations to see our family.  But then we did other things too even in the early days.
Grandy:  And I think that was the big start of our travels because we have traveled the world.
Pop:  But even in the early days when we lived in Alabama, we bought a pop-top trailer and traveled. We took the kids and camped out in the mountains and on the coast.  We always made sure to take our vacations.
Me:  Once you retired, apart from vacations, were there any particular activities you participated in together?
Pop:  No, we pretty much had our own activities.  I used to go pheasant hunting and you were in Sweet Adeline's and in a bridge group.  She had a bridge partner and they traveled all over the west and won tournaments, a big accomplishment.  We each maintained individual activities.
Me:  That was my next question!  You went pheasant hunting and you played bridge and were in Sweet Adeline's.  And I know from staying with you guys, Grandy you do a lot of crossword puzzles as well.
Grandy:  Yeah.
Me:  You watch the stock market a lot.
Pop:  The computer is my hobby.
Grandy:  yeeeesss.
Pop:  I have three computers and I keep them all up-tp-date with the latest software.  I put all our latest investment information on our computer.  I keep up with all our granddaughters on Facebook now.
Me:  You used to have your gardens too, that was an activity you did together.
Grandy:  OH yeah!  I ended up canning so much of it because he had so much.  We still do that out at the cabin (their vacation house).
Pop:  And church activities--a lot of them we did together.  For instance, Pat chaired almost all of the committees except for the property committees her whole life.  One year I was the property chairman.  I was also chairman of the board for one year.  We did a lot of church volunteer work.  In 1980 when the Vietnamese came over our church sponsored a family and she was the mother hen of getting them settled, helping them with all the government red-tape.  We've stayed in touch with that family to this day, been to their daughters wedding.  So that was an outreach activity she did with the church that was very valuable.

How do you guys express love to one another on a daily basis?
(Both look at each other with a grin).
Pop:  I don't know if I can make a statement.  (Looks at her).
Grandy:  Oh, put that down. (pointing to computer screen).
Pop:  Its mostly by osmosis rather than overt expressions.
Grandy:   Still it seems normal for us.
Pop:  We know we love each other and as we have become older I think we have been closer because we take care of each other.  On a daily basis we don't do a kissy-huggy thingy... there has just never been a question about our love for each other.
Me:  How do you know if she loves you?
Pop:  She's still with me after 61 years (chuckling).
(Grandy rubs his shoulder).
Me:  What does he do that tells you he loves you?
Grandy:  He says "I love you" more frequently than I do.
(some joking they did not want on here)

What sources of social support have you had?  Family, church, friends...
Pop:  Oh I'll give you one good example early in life.  I just got out of the air-force and I was going to school on the GI bill, we had an apartment, two young children, doctor bills, and no insurance in those days.  Our parents saw that we had plenty to eat because both lived on farms and butchered their own meat and grew gardens.  We were well fed.
Me:  Are there any other forms of social support you've had over sixty years?  If someone close died, who came in a supported you?
Grandy:  When our parents died there were all sorts of neighbors that were very helpful.  That was just the way community was.

What factors have strengthened your marriage?  You said a lot already about the way you grew up...
Grandy:  Yeah and our children all just turned out beautifully and that makes you happy in your marriage too.

How do you share your spiritual life?
Grandy:  We go to Sunday School and Church and it seems to be very spiritual for us.  Wherever we have lived, we always went to churches, its a part of our life.
Pop:  We supported each other in whatever activities were going on at the time.
Me:  So even if you weren't in it together, you supported each other.
Grandparents:  Oh yeah.

What do you wish you had known then that you know now?
Grandy:  Oh, let me see here.  How to be more respectful with my husband, especially over the little-nothings.
Pop:  Early in my career I wish I had known more about the investing piece.  As an engineer with a focused career that required long hours sometimes, we just didn't think about investments.  Although we are pretty comfortable today, I wish I had known about that a little earlier in my life.  We should have had a better financial plan when we had children because I got out of the air-force and went back to college.  It was a real challenge because I was taking a full load in engineering and holding three part time jobs.  She was caring for 2 littles ones at the same time.
Grandy:  I had always thought I would go to college.  There just wasn't any time for it.
Pop:  I guess I always kind of felt bad about that because she was valedictorian of her class and she would have done well in college, but I hooked her at a young age and then we had two children and then we got side tracked.
Grandy:  And then we had another surprise later on (one of my aunts). (Chuckles).
Pop:  None of our children today appreciate the stories about orange crate furniture and the children's mattresses on the floor.. they just didn't appreciate hearing that stuff. (Laughs).

After listening to their interview over again, I am reminded of some of the things talked about in class about successful marriages.  My grandparents use humor with each other and in remembering their tough times.  They also, especially Pop, express appreciation about the other persons accomplishments or personality.  They also seem to have a high degree of commitment because of their comments "It was never a question."  More than I would want to admit as a granddaughter, but from their response to the expression of love question, they still seem to have some passion.  Overall, I think their successes are evident just in the way they talk about their marriage and talk to one another.

Skills Lab Reflection

Skills Lab One

Overall, on the first skills lab with our fellow students I do remember being very nervous.  On a scale of 1 (not anxious) to 10 (anxious) I was a 3.  Fortunately, I have gotten quite used to role playing with class mates, and my only anxiety deals with making up information and being consistent with that information.  The skills I demonstrated as a counselor were reflection and neutrality.  The reflections largely consisted of content rather than feelings.  I displayed neutrality through tone, facial expression, and giving adequate time to both spouse's stories.

Skills Lab Two

Now, my anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10 with my pseudo clients was probably an 8!  My memory of failing my first 505 pseudo-client video resurfaced and for a few moments I irrationally believed that history would repeat itself.  I found a couple from a former coworker, so not only was I worried about failing, but I worried that this mutual friend would hear about it!  Fortunately, I shook myself of this negative thinking, but still maintained a certain level of anxiety about the awkward situation.  

Luckily, the couple that I worked with were a great fit with me.  I firmly believe that the Lord used us to bless each other for two reasons.  First, they were extremely easy to like and that fact promoted a great educational environment for me to practice my skills, with much less anxiety than I anticipated.  Second, after the third session, I truly believe that the Lord used me to help them with a major issue in their relationship. Here is a brief summary of the three sessions and my reactions to them:

Session 1:  I initiated a brief ice breaker in which the couple introduced one another pretending to be their significant other.  For example, J introduced himself as K, where she is from, how she spends her time, her biggest pet peeve, and her main aspiration in life.  For the most part they were accurate, but K corrected J about her dream in life.  Then I had them list the perceived "strengths" and "growth areas" in the relationship.  Quite shockingly they were both on the same page about that, producing very similar lists in both areas.  The only difference was in communication.  They both felt that they communicated well, but J would like less emotion in their arguments.  We then explored the history of the relationship, how they met, etc.  Next, we discussed family of origin issues and differences in how the couple's families handled conflict emerged.  K's family was quite reserved and handled conflict maturely and away from the kids.  I jokingly asked, "How did you know they had problems?" to which she replied that her parents told her some of their household issues according to her age and maturity.  J's family, on the other hand, had a very interesting dynamic, one that is too lengthy and revealing to discuss here, but let's just say I'm very thankful for my mother-in-law!  As a result, and after some difficulty defining their goal (on my part), the couple decided that they most needed to work on establishing more autonomy as a couple, especially from J's mom. On a scale of 1 (not autonomous) and 10 (autonomous) they rated themselves as a 6.  Overall, I think the session went well, but I went over on time and had some technical problems along the way.  I also noticed that at one point or another, someone was out of the camera shot.  I became very nervous about how I would handle the "mom" problem with the couple, out of fear that much of the discussion could be focused on her and not the couple.  Once I allowed the external relationship problem to become smaller and focused more on the couple's autonomy in general, it became easier to think about how to help them with their goal, and that served me well in the end. 

Session 2:  I began the second session with a summary of the content from last session and went straight into the interpretation of the PAIR 2 test.  In general, most of my interpretations were spot on and they agreed that their results fit, except for K's SP score--they both felt she wasn't passive.  Their biggest areas of potential conflict revolved around their high average DL scores and very different MC scores.  Their strengths rest in their high NH scores and similar scores on all the alike scales (for the most part).  During this session, I found it difficult to generate questions aimed and helping them think about their scores.  I kept finding myself asking some of the same ones.  And again, I went over on time!!!  For their homework I assigned the Love Maps Questionnaire for fun and also a section on the "in laws" from Gottman's book. 

Session 3:  WHY WASN'T THIS A RECORDED SESSION?  Seriously!   For the first time since graduate school I felt like I was in my calling.  I truly do not mean to boast, but I felt so encouraged by the fact that this session went so well, it reminded me why I wanted to go into this profession in the first place.  I have struggled so much lately with motivation and confidence about my career choice, and I finally felt as though I fit in this element, that this is where the Lord wants to use me.  I began the session with asking them about the homework.  They did the Love Maps Questionnaire and did the reading for the in-law assignment; however they did not do the questions together.  SO, we did them right there!  I used the homework (see pg. 189-194) as the framework to begin talking about their goal of autonomy.  In short, and without disclosing much content, K was very upset that J had not confronted his mother about an issue that controls their relationship, and she truly wanted to see him stand up for her like in the story from the reading assignment.  On the other hand, J did not want to bring it up to his mother because everything else was going so well, his mom was in a good place about their relationship .  After listening to them talk to one another about it and having them repeat what they heard the other one say (and I even had them pick a feeling for what the other person was experiencing) I said, "Let me tell you what I hear... this problem is HUGE to both of you."  K appeared very shocked and J just stared at me.  "K, you want J to stand up for you, like the guy did in the scenario, and J you are scared to talk to your mother about this because everything is going so well that you don't want to ruin it for K's relationship with your mom" (in light of a near-future engagement).  And for the first time I think J felt understood and K felt validated in this issue.  It was a great moment for the couple because they slightly turned their heads toward one another, peered out of the sides of their eyes, and silently understood each other. The couple set up an informal contract with one another that 1 month after they get engaged, J will bring the issue up to his mom.  K was okay with waiting "as long as I am validated." 

Of course I went over 10 minutes again ;).  And as soon as the couple left, I remembered that I forgot to ask them to scale their level of autonomy!!

Delta

I realized that I forgot to post the information required in our first blog!  Oops.  In class we were asked to give our name (Tracy Ofenloch) and draw a symbol that describes us.  The symbol I chose was the delta symbol.  I am a Pharmacy Technician, not much longer!, and I frequently use the delta symbol as something I picked up from latin shorthand.  The delta is used for the word "change" when we write notes, i.e. "Insurance requests that the Dr. Δ the rx from Nexium to Omeprazole."  Right now my life seems like its full of change whether it be gaining new insights into my marriage relationship to the fact that I am beginning a new job in September!  I have been in Pharmacy for 8 years and I have finally obtained a job in the counseling field at Central Virginia Community Services Board in Child and Family Services at Bedford Intensive In-Home.  What a mouthful!  I'm so nervous and yet so excited.

About the Blogger

This is my first official blog. I blogged in COUN 507 as part of a class blog, but now I am on my own. Whether I will continue on blogging apart from this class, COUN 603, is questionable, depending on how enjoyable I find it. Overall, I feel that I am a good academic writer, but I struggle with creative writing. This could be the outlet I need to gain confidence in more creative or conversational writing!

My husband and I met in high school on a mission trip in Philadelphia. I had a crush on one of his friends, but somehow Ryan, my husband, and I were the ones that maintained communication for over a year before we admitted any feelings for one another. In fact, I probably would not have admitted anything for a while had my friends not sent something I wrote about him TO HIM when I was not around. Luckily it was well received and our long distance relationship began not too long afterwards!

Before I knew it I was dealing with the idea of Ryan transferring colleges to Knoxville, TN where I lived. I went back and forth on my feelings about this. Would we still love each other after being around each other everyday? Was I just compartmentalizing my life by conveniently having a telephone boyfriend as part of my busy life? Would we discover some mortal flaw? What if this didn't work out? During this time, little did I know, Ryan was buying the engagement ring before he even moved out to Knoxville!

Fortunately for Ryan, the following October I said yes to his proposal and we were married 14 months later on December 29, 2007. After nearly 3.5 years of marriage we are still adjusting and learning the true meaning of love. I find this both rewarding and challenging. We are growing as adults and learning the beautiful and ugly parts of ourselves and one another. These things I think are parts you can only know in intimate relationship with another person, because Lord knows I was perfect before he came along! LOL That's a funny comment with some truthful insight, but isn't that sadly the perspective that some people hold? He caused me to be like this, She brought out the worse in me, my life was better before him/her. Perhaps, more accurately, some things are out of our awareness until another dynamic, person, or circumstance enters the picture. I have found that learning about yourself does not have to be scary, but it can be an opportunity to grow as an individual and increase your dependence on God. For 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (ESV).