Skills Lab One
Overall, on the first skills lab with our fellow students I do remember being very nervous. On a scale of 1 (not anxious) to 10 (anxious) I was a 3. Fortunately, I have gotten quite used to role playing with class mates, and my only anxiety deals with making up information and being consistent with that information. The skills I demonstrated as a counselor were reflection and neutrality. The reflections largely consisted of content rather than feelings. I displayed neutrality through tone, facial expression, and giving adequate time to both spouse's stories.
Skills Lab Two
Luckily, the couple that I worked with were a great fit with me. I firmly believe that the Lord used us to bless each other for two reasons. First, they were extremely easy to like and that fact promoted a great educational environment for me to practice my skills, with much less anxiety than I anticipated. Second, after the third session, I truly believe that the Lord used me to help them with a major issue in their relationship. Here is a brief summary of the three sessions and my reactions to them:
Session 1: I initiated a brief ice breaker in which the couple introduced one another pretending to be their significant other. For example, J introduced himself as K, where she is from, how she spends her time, her biggest pet peeve, and her main aspiration in life. For the most part they were accurate, but K corrected J about her dream in life. Then I had them list the perceived "strengths" and "growth areas" in the relationship. Quite shockingly they were both on the same page about that, producing very similar lists in both areas. The only difference was in communication. They both felt that they communicated well, but J would like less emotion in their arguments. We then explored the history of the relationship, how they met, etc. Next, we discussed family of origin issues and differences in how the couple's families handled conflict emerged. K's family was quite reserved and handled conflict maturely and away from the kids. I jokingly asked, "How did you know they had problems?" to which she replied that her parents told her some of their household issues according to her age and maturity. J's family, on the other hand, had a very interesting dynamic, one that is too lengthy and revealing to discuss here, but let's just say I'm very thankful for my mother-in-law! As a result, and after some difficulty defining their goal (on my part), the couple decided that they most needed to work on establishing more autonomy as a couple, especially from J's mom. On a scale of 1 (not autonomous) and 10 (autonomous) they rated themselves as a 6. Overall, I think the session went well, but I went over on time and had some technical problems along the way. I also noticed that at one point or another, someone was out of the camera shot. I became very nervous about how I would handle the "mom" problem with the couple, out of fear that much of the discussion could be focused on her and not the couple. Once I allowed the external relationship problem to become smaller and focused more on the couple's autonomy in general, it became easier to think about how to help them with their goal, and that served me well in the end.
Session 2: I began the second session with a summary of the content from last session and went straight into the interpretation of the PAIR 2 test. In general, most of my interpretations were spot on and they agreed that their results fit, except for K's SP score--they both felt she wasn't passive. Their biggest areas of potential conflict revolved around their high average DL scores and very different MC scores. Their strengths rest in their high NH scores and similar scores on all the alike scales (for the most part). During this session, I found it difficult to generate questions aimed and helping them think about their scores. I kept finding myself asking some of the same ones. And again, I went over on time!!! For their homework I assigned the Love Maps Questionnaire for fun and also a section on the "in laws" from Gottman's book.
Session 3: WHY WASN'T THIS A RECORDED SESSION? Seriously! For the first time since graduate school I felt like I was in my calling. I truly do not mean to boast, but I felt so encouraged by the fact that this session went so well, it reminded me why I wanted to go into this profession in the first place. I have struggled so much lately with motivation and confidence about my career choice, and I finally felt as though I fit in this element, that this is where the Lord wants to use me. I began the session with asking them about the homework. They did the Love Maps Questionnaire and did the reading for the in-law assignment; however they did not do the questions together. SO, we did them right there! I used the homework (see pg. 189-194) as the framework to begin talking about their goal of autonomy. In short, and without disclosing much content, K was very upset that J had not confronted his mother about an issue that controls their relationship, and she truly wanted to see him stand up for her like in the story from the reading assignment. On the other hand, J did not want to bring it up to his mother because everything else was going so well, his mom was in a good place about their relationship . After listening to them talk to one another about it and having them repeat what they heard the other one say (and I even had them pick a feeling for what the other person was experiencing) I said, "Let me tell you what I hear... this problem is HUGE to both of you." K appeared very shocked and J just stared at me. "K, you want J to stand up for you, like the guy did in the scenario, and J you are scared to talk to your mother about this because everything is going so well that you don't want to ruin it for K's relationship with your mom" (in light of a near-future engagement). And for the first time I think J felt understood and K felt validated in this issue. It was a great moment for the couple because they slightly turned their heads toward one another, peered out of the sides of their eyes, and silently understood each other. The couple set up an informal contract with one another that 1 month after they get engaged, J will bring the issue up to his mom. K was okay with waiting "as long as I am validated."
Of course I went over 10 minutes again ;). And as soon as the couple left, I remembered that I forgot to ask them to scale their level of autonomy!!
